Fake New Years Resolutions

For no reason beyond the fact that its kind of rainy out, here is a list of new years resolutions on which I will never follow up.

1.
2. Try to get Kiersten to say "BITCHES BE CRAZY"... aw who am I kidding that'll never happen.
3. Find a cure for GAIDS because my roommate is afflicted.
4. Continue to tell Brett that he's playing his angles wrong.
5. Get Johnny Narch a ladder (he's been dangling from the rafters for years).
6. Concede that Tom Brady may not be the coolest person on Earth (there can't be two of us after all...) but note how bad the Pats would be if he were J.P. Losman.
7. Teach Ziggy how to shit outside.
8. Further integrate with the locals of St. Thomas, learning their languages, customs and beliefs.
9. Upon completion of #8, get a local Government job so I can literally do nothing all day.
10. Break 50 at any course in Tiger Woods 2009, then bang a prostitute to celebrate the way I would if I were actually Tiger.
11. Teach midgets the superpowers of invisibility and flight, further mystifying their existence.
12. Find Ariel from The Little Mermaid, kiss her to release the spell Ursula placed upon her, and then totally bang her out. Actually it would probably be better if I never had to hear her voice, its most likely that she would just nag at me all day. She is a woman after all, even if she was born in the sea.
13. Grow an epic rat tail.
14. Play hockey at least one time. I don't care the variety (ice/roller/yes even street because then I can pretend to be Mitchell Goosen from Airborne), but I have to play.
15. Visit Paddy's Pub. Hopefully I'll walk in on the gang harmonizing to a sweet tune so I can join.
16. Much like #8, learn the ways and means of the Frenchies.
17. Much like #9, get a weekend job gutting fish in Frenchtown.
18. Find the Beer Bartering Baron so I can pay him that 60 cents he asked for. Maybe 61 if I include interest.
19. Sometime in the next year, visit the following cities: Saratoga Springs, Rochester, Buffalo, Boston and Malvern. Might try to get it done in a long weekend.
20. Sometime in the next year, eat the following items: A steak from the Mafolie, A slice of meatball pizza from Marino's, a Pat's cheese steak, a doughboy from Esperanto's, Anchor Bar wings, and a garbage plate from any one of Rochester's fine establishments.
21. Go on a night scuba and see sharks versus dolphins playing what they call "football" but we call "ocean game where shark tries to eat the dolphin and dolphin goes eeheeheeheeh". I want to see the sharks score at least one "touchdown".
22. Continue loving each and every day of my incredible and fortunate life.

#1 was left blank, and there's a reason for this. I do believe that a man should evaluate his life from time to time to make sure he is on the track he wanted for himself. Upon completion of my self-evaluation, I concluded that I'm awesome and there is nothing I should change.