St. Patrick's Day Resolutions

Since I dubbed my New Year's Resolutions "fake" (even though some of the goals are actually being accomplished like when the Clouser family brought me down a Pat's cheese steak, reinstating my faith in God and heaven), I've decided that this St. Patrick's Day I will make a number of real resolutions that are to be accomplished within a 12 hour buffer of March 17, 2010. There are seven of them, because St. Patrick's Day is associated with Ireland and the Irish are considered lucky, as is the number seven. Here we go!

1. Get Ella to do her impression of an Irish accent.
2. Get a local to sing a traditional Irish song with me. I'm thinking Dropkick Murphy's Dirty Water or Walk Away.
3. Eat something green.
4. Eat something blonde.
5. Drink green beer (down here that means Heineken).
6. Tell the same story three times in a row to test my friends' patience.
7. Call an estranged ex-girlfriend at three o'clock in the morning and recite the following: "Listen I know we haven't spoken in a while and normally I wouldn't bother you but I just got an email from the heir to the throne of Zimbabwe and his estate is worth millions but its all tied up in litigation. He needs like $2,000 to cover legal fees in the mean time, could I get a loan to help him out?"

Alright so that last one was kind of out of left field, but do I care? No I do not. Mainly because I probably won't remember the phone call.

"A Note From The Desk Of Rowdy"

My friend Scott is one of the funniest people I have ever met, and this is because at any point in any conversation he will bust out the most random yet hilarious commentary. Scott has a brilliant mind, but at times he applies this mind to the simplest of things and (like Moses) comes around the mountain with some serious facts. This morning I logged into facebook only to find the following message from Scott. Keep in mind all I told him was that I'm living in St. Thomas now:

"well thats good thanks for leaving me you cock eating ass head. but seriously, and know that you've heard it here first, there is going to be a tidal wave of girls we went to grade school with who have profile pictures of them with someone else's baby. dangerous seas ahead my friend. but maybe i'm wrong. maybe these girls don't hit 27 and go ballistic."

A work of art. Not because it was spawned out of thin air. Not because its about girls with which we went to grade school. Its genius lies in the fact that its going to be someone else's baby they're holding. He's absolutely right, cheers to you my friend. Don't get caught in the trap.

For the record my head looks nothing like an ass.

Just Call Me T-Rex

You thought it was over, didn't you? You thought I'd been overcome with laziness and the very idea of writing seemed less surmountable than a climb to the top of Mount Everest. You thought I was washed up, like the all-star relief pitcher Kenny Powers. You have been praying for posts - some begging, some threatening, most just continuing on with their lives as if I never existed but deep down in their soul craving my words.

You know at the end of the first Jurassic Park when Dr. Alan Grant and company look doomed? They are in the lobby of the Jurassic Park complex, surrounded by raptors, about to get eaten as one lunges toward them - when all of a sudden out of nowhere the T-Rex busts through the wall and eats that raptor like a boss? I'm that motherfreaking T-Rex. You never expected me to come back into your lives and save you from the Velociraptor that is boredom, but guess what? I just did.

Yeah I took a few months off. Yeah I've been doing stuff that definitely deserves to be up here. Instead of writing, I've been learning. Spending a few minutes out of the lime-light and out in the shadows only makes you come back stronger. Bruce Wayne did it in Batman Begins, Maverick did it in Top Gun, Rocky did it in Rocky IV, and Simba did it in Lion King. So get ready kids, because I'm about to drop some serious knowledge on you. T-Rex out.