Tarot Cards

Last night I was just sitting at the hotel bar, minding my own business, when I get a call from a beautiful AND bisexual blonde that lives next door to us. She has just had an awful day including a flat tire, being broke as a joke and discovering she will no longer have a job one week from now. Seeing as how I've been schooled in the arts of chivalry from an early age (the book I'm writing is coming out this fall, there will be a one time only signing at the Double Deuce in Jasper, Missouri on a date to be determined) I invited her over to the bar so that I could buy her a drink. Obviously she accepted.

We sat, we talked, we drank and laughed. After a while we fell upon the conversation of what to do for food. "We could just go back to my place for some pizza," she offered. I'd like to take a moment to point out that not only is this the perfect plot for a porno but that said porno always ends pretty damn well for the lead male role, usually played by a Rod Hammer or a Python Johnson. As my name does not carry this same kind of auditory sexual prestige, please don't get your hopes up. Regardless of any ill-gotten aspiration and later realized failure, I went with her.

Seeing as this was my first time in this particular apartment, it was customary that I take a tour. To the right we have the kitchen, then as we pass through the garden space we enter the living room and finally the bedroom. As she left to start the pizza, I explored. A few candles here, some pillows there - suddenly I stumbled upon it. Like Mikey Walsh from The Goonies finding the map in his parents' attic, my eyes gazed upon a treasure of my own - tarot cards. I'd often been tempted to get my tarot cards read, as the mysticism has always allured me, but had never given in to the temptation marked by some as voodoo. More importantly, finding this deck provided the easiest finishing move ever as the tarot card reading site was located directly adjacent to her bed.

Like clockwork, she came back into the room just as I was fingering through the deck. Obviously looking to get me naked, she offered to give me a tarot card reading for free while the pizza was cooking in her miniature oven. As a master of the obvious and an experienced importer/exporter, I obliged.

First came the explanation of how exactly the tarot cards work: the deck is shuffled and mixed and I'm told that I am to pull five cards and place them in front of me face down without looking at the reverse side. The rest of the cards are then cleared and my cards will be flipped, one by one, to reveal certain aspects of my life. The first card represents past. Keep in mind that the fortune tellers' classic line of "it means different things for everyone" was thrown my way but what is shown on the first card should represent something that I am looking to get over or that I am perhaps running away from. The second card represents the present, and indicates an aspect of the way I am currently living my life that will lead to the third card - my future. The fourth card, or the "intercept" card indicates some sort of action or method I can utilize to dodge the future from the third card and instead provide myself the alternative offered by the fifth card - cleverly named the "alternative" card. I know that's a lot to take in so just think of it like this:

1 = Past
2 = Present
3 = Future
4 = Alternative Course of Action
5 = Alternative Future

Alright so I draw my cards as she lights the candles, the deck is cleared and we are ready to start flipping. I felt like I was playing texas hold-'em, except the stakes were a bit higher. I take one moment of hesitation - do I really want to know my fate? How much faith can be placed in a set of randomly drawn cards? What if I don't like what I see and it fully messes with my head? As my eyes slowly shift up from the mysterious cards in front of me, to the beautifully crafted body sitting indian-style across from me and finally to the gorgeous face gazing upon me with a smile of anticipation, I only have one thought... "Oh yeah, that's right I'm trying to get laid."

Freshly donned with an air of confidence and swagger, I flip the first card that represents my past - DEATH. Hormones halted, I immediately lost any and all mojo as this just took a drastic turn for the serious. This card represents the passing of an important part of your life but (as its in the "past" position) also represents a rebirth and beginning. Digging what I'm seeing as I definitely came down to St. Thomas to run away from certain aspects of the real life experienced on the main land, I continue on.

Upon flipping the second card - which represents the present - I see I've acquired the sobriquet of HERMIT. This means that in the most recent days and weeks of my life I'd opted to keep everything to myself, hiding serious or legitimate concerns that crossed my mind, and avoid going out and celebrating life with my friends. Also true.

The third card was the CHARIOT card, which meant if I continued on my path my future would be one of drastic financial and social favor. Yet, I'd be riddled with an overwhelming sense of seriousness and drive that makes me a model citizen and a mold for progress yet alone in my fortune and success.

The fourth card represents the intercept card - a course of action or a method that once followed can distract my life from the fate of the CHARIOT and instead offer the alternative life of demonstrated in the fifth card. It is in sorts a way of embracing one's responsibility for their own life and choosing paths. The card that I flipped - and I wish I was making this up, was FOOLISH CHILD. This represents going through life without a care in the world and taking life as it comes; not concerning one's self with fame or fortune and just embracing the beauty of each day. Nice.

My fifth and final card was the SUN card. This card represented an alternative future of happiness, bringing joy to the many people around you who love and embrace you. Boss.

So my synopsis of the reading goes as follows: Yes, Tim, you ran away from something from which you felt you needed to escape. Currently you are being a bit antisocial - but don't sweat that because in the near future you will either be a captain of industry or if you continue on your ways of blatant disregard for your liver and any kind of career the worst that will happen is you are going to be a singular and solitude source of happiness to those who mean the most to you in this world.

I can't believe I'm actually buying into this crap.

P.S. I didn't get laid, I didn't even make a move.