DC Lost His Hat And Two Shirts In One Hour

You only get one life to live, but if you live like me one life is all you need.

As I'm writing this both my hands are still slightly numb with that pins and needles feeling. Maybe its the chair DC tried breaking over my back after I beat him in the push-up contest. Maybe its the impact from one of many cliff-dives I took yesterday. Or maybe I had a stroke in my sleep. The problem is there is no way for me to clearly identify the source of my discomfort, because the list of possibilities is a seventeen item roster.

I should probably start at the beginning. It is safe to say that I am a terrible judge of responsible behavior. Therefore when Todd's sister Katie and her friend Christina flew into St. Thomas - two gorgeous Bostonians - we stayed up way too late drinking and carrying on knowing full well that we had Limnos in the morning and we were due to meet Guy and Gal at the front desk at 7am. Somehow we still managed to meet this obligation, and the full crew of seven was in a cab and on our way.

For those of you who don't know (which would be the majority of you - and I use the term "majority" loosely because I really mean one out of the maybe two people that actually read this blog), Limnos is an all inclusive boat cruise through the US and British Virgin Islands. When you embark, the first thing they do is jokingly offer you a drink that nobody ever accepts because its 8am. We accepted those drinks. 2.7 seconds later, we were drunk again.

Needless to say, the trip went well. The very first thing that happened to us, maybe 20 minutes in, was rain. I'm not talking about a sprinkle, I'm talking about the kind of rain that drowns short people. We could see it coming - the entire top deck of the boat was discussing the ominous clouds that loomed ahead. However, when the water finally struck, most passengers sprinted downstairs as quickly as they could to escape getting wet - they were like Lee Evans on a deep route. However, the five of us that kind of looked at each other with that "well, we're on a boat. We are going to get wet anyway" look on our faces and persevered. God threw rain at us like the Truman Show. We stuck it out. To hell with your corporate team building exercises; this brought us together, tight as a wolfpack.

When we were in Virgin Gorda, DC, Guy and I smoked cuban cigars while following our guide - Akeem - through the boulders in the water as we made our way down to the baths. We were like big smoking spider monkeys. He showed us down to the beach, where there were a cornucopia of European women tanning topless, then directed us to the top of a cliff so that we could jump off and impress them. In the process I managed to slice a deep gouge into both of my feet that I did not really feel until I woke up this morning. Tape is holding my right foot together. I did a sweet jackknife from 40 feet up though.

On the way back, the entirety of the Limnos guests and crew were in the back of a safari taxi. Nobody was really saying or doing anything, so DC turned to each other and had the following conversation:

"Singalong?"
"Singalong."

Moments later we had the whole taxi serenading "Sweet Caroline". I feel like if we had more time to arrange it, we would have been able to assign different parts to different groups or incorporate some harmonizing. Our next destination was Jost Van Dyke, which sounds like a game show host but I assure you is not. What it does host is the Soggy Dollar Bar - the birthplace of the painkiller. A painkiller is an alcoholic beverage comprised of rum, cream of coconut, pineapple juice and orange juice, but my favorite part by far is that after you shake and pour it, you have to sprinkle nutmeg on top for that final kiss of taste. Not many drinks can get away with having nutmeg precariously dashed on top. I tried it on a gin and tonic and it was an epic failure.

I almost wish we had a camera with us so that I could show you all the amazing life lessons that transpired, but as the The Format (RIP) would say, "pictures only prove you can't convince". As I've mentioned in the past my French-Canadian/Scottish descent does not bode well when we are having discussions with the sun. I was prepared this boat trip, however, because I bought SPF 55 sunscreen. This stuff was serious. It had the word "ozone" on the bottle. I felt safe. I was mistaken.

The problem was that I bought spray instead of lotion, because I figured it would be easier to administer. I was right about that part. I was wrong in my thought that I'd have even distribution. By two in the afternoon, my body was stripped like a zebra/referee/footlocker employee/hooters manager. I don't really care how I look because I sweat a musk of awesome all day every day, but my right hand looks like it belongs to the Kool-Aid man and my left to Bill Gates.

At the end of the day we took a nice taxi ride home with a kind local driver and nobody got into any arguments about the route nor fell out of the taxi when trying to exit upon reaching the final destination. Now is when this post should end.

However, for the rest of our VI family, it was Family Meal Friday. DC and I walked in, went to our perspective beds, and fell asleep. Later on when people arrived we were awoken (I am told, I'm pretty sure I never actually woke up) and I gave it my best 20 minutes before heading back to bed. DC on the other hand partied like a Wyomissing based rock star and managed to navigate a number of winning games of flip cup before retiring for the evening. I was bummed in the morning, however, for two reasons. One was because I missed out on America Night for Family Meal Fridays, and I was really looking forward to ordering an All-American Burger with a side of Freedom Fries and a Pabst Red, White and Blue Ribbon. The other was because I was not supposed to work until 2pm but was awoken at 7:15am to Kier begging me to switch shifts and work at 8am. What can I say, I'm a true gentleman - I obliged.